Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Musing, Not Amusing

Pardon me for saying so; it is hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire and humid enough to steam the wrinkles out of an elephant’s ass. If anywhere in that last sentence you are able to conjure a portrait of me smiling happily, you are more delusional than a one legged man entering an ass kicking contest with the idea he is going to win.

Back when I was a kid, most businesses didn’t have air conditioning and even fewer homes were blessed with this most wondrous of inventions. We relied on open windows and prayer – prayer for even a whisper of a breeze. During late July and on through August, most of those prayers were answered with a thunderous, “SUFFER, YOU UNGRATEFUL SINFUL WRETCHES.”

I’ve heard it called “Pentecostal” weather. Summertime meant revival time. Revival time meant huge canvas tents, hard-assed benches, and a holy -roller preacher sweating as though Satan’s Hounds were nipping at his rotund ass whilst he was doing his utmost to scare the hell out of you. He, and it always was a he, was quick to remind us poor sinners that those summer nights were air conditioned compared to the heat the UNREPENTANT SINNER suffered as Saint … Ton’s Dee muns jobbed them in the ass with pitchforks. Hallelujah! And all the brothers and sisters said “Amen.”

You might find this difficult to believe, but I don’t miss those nights even one little bit. I wonder if Stephen King was reared Pentecostal? It would sure explain the nightmares that spawned some of his tales.

It would be kind of amusing if I was actually dead and my ring of hell was Friendly Manitoba.

Life is sweet – because there ain’t none of it that’s a thang.
Buffalo 3:10 PM

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