Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Irritation

I’m irritable today. If I put my mind to it, I could probably figure out why I’m irritated. Trying to figure out the cause seems non-productive because I don’t really give a damn. It is what it is and it ain’t a thang. As long as I’m in a pissy mood, I figure I may as well do my best to enjoy it. In that spirit, malicious though that spirit be, I offer you but a few of the things that irritate the hell out of me.

1. Food servers who carry drink glasses by the tops. It is rude, incorrect, unsanitary, and plain nasty. If they can’t carry the glasses by the bottom, they need to put them on a tray.

2. People who snap and/or pop their damned chewing gum. Put the gum in your mouth, shut your mouth and then chew if you must. Offenders should be horsewhipped – and that means you if you’re one of the offenders.

3. Virtually every person who drives a motor vehicle in a certain city in Friendly Manitoba. They are blind, ignorant, or feel empowered by their god to cut you off, go any direction other than the direction indicated by their turn signal. I don’t know how in the hell they passed the skill part of their driver’s test. I would rather drive in LA rush hour traffic. It is a hell of a lot safer and less aggravating.

4. People who will tell you they are going to do something and then don’t produce. For Zeus’s sake, if you don’t want to do something, all you have to do is open your freakin’ mouth and refuse – or better yet, don’t volunteer. It isn’t all that difficult. Not following through makes you out to be a bigger asshole than refusing.

5. The word “your” when it should be “you’re.” Ditto for “alot.” It is “a lot” or “allot,” usually the former. Once is a typo. Consistently makes you … a pain in the ass.

6. Making bunny ears. That’s those air quotation marks that drive Lili up the wall. They only mildly irritate me but I thought I would mention it for her.

7. Sean Hannity. It will be my luck that a deity with a truly warped sense of humor will condemn me to sharing a cell for eternity with the … whatever he is.

8. Kids. Especially ugly kids that cry, scream, and enter my space.

9. Parents. Especially parents who think their aforementioned kids are cute and adorable.

10. Fred Phelps. (He’s more than an irritant.)

11. David Letterman.

12. Benny Hinn.

13. People that have either not met me, or barely have a nodding acquaintance with me, who think they know me and then have the audacity and unmitigated gall to put words in my mouth.

14. Publishers that publish books whose pages aren’t fit to use as bird cage liners while superbly gifted writers go unpublished. Just for the record, I am not placing myself in either category.

15. Me.

Okay. That’s my partial list. What irritates the hell out of you other than me? I’d like to know.
Buffalo 5:57 PM

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